December 12, 2013

Our First Child

Miscarriage. Sometimes I can barely utter the words, as it seems more like a blur or a bad dream as I chose to try to turn it into anything but my reality.

Today, It's been one month since we've lost our first child.

I've been incredibly blessed and grateful for all the amazing support we've received from our close friends and family. Until now, we have not made our miscarriage public. But we now have peace in knowing that this is all part of God's plan in our lives, and in that includes many more beautiful moments to come. It's now a testimony, and we finally feel ready to share it.

This is our story..

Oct 31
Halloween night. My husband and I have no plans, so we decide to meet with his friend at a local pub. Before leaving to go out, we decided to take a pregnancy test because I was almost 3 weeks late. I'm in the bathroom, and I leave the pregnancy test on the counter as I wait for the results. I have an incredibly irregular cycle, so we've been down this road before.. but this time is a little different. You see, the previous times we've taken tests my heart would be pounding out of my chest, praying to God the results would come back negative. But this time IS different. For those of you reading this that don't know us personally, Chad has been my best friend since I was 15. We've known each other for 6 years, and have been married for 2. For some reason, a huge part of me wants this test to say pregnant. I've been off birth control for over a year and a half, and I'm surprised these "pregnancy scares" haven't happened more often.  Chad has had baby fever for quite some time. But I've also started to feel like we're finally ready to start our family. "NOT PREGNANT," reads my ClearBlue. Oh well, it's not like we planned it.

Nov 5
It's a normal day at work and I've almost completely forgotten that Mr. Monthly still hasn't paid a visit. Suddenly things are just sticking out to me a lot. Babies are everywhere. It seems as through everyone and their mother keeps asking me when Chad and I would like to start having children. I've experienced some subtle physical changes, and I even told my myself (out loud and in front of my manager), "I think I'm pregnant."

Nov 9
I woke up from a maternal dream and I quickly grabbed my phone, unplugged it from the charger, and pulled up my calendar. There it isn't. I'm officially 5 weeks late. I get up, and go to work. The day was dragging on, I felt like I was there forever. By the time I'm finally home, Chad has already left to attend the Las Vegas Winter Jam Concert, an event that will keep him for a few hours. I go into the bathroom, grab another test from the same box we had from Halloween night. Not a minute goes by when I glance at the results. PREGNANT. Big and bold. "God, I trust you," were my exact words. My heart started beating faster and faster. It was almost the same sensation you get when you step off your first thriller roller coaster. My knees were shaking, but then I couldn't stop smiling. I almost couldn't function because of how surreal this all was. I will never forget that moment. I was a momma.

My next random thought after doing a short guestimated due date math was "ANOTHER July baby?????" In case you didn't know, my siblings, my nephew, most of my cousins, aunts, and uncles are JULY BABIES. I pick the test up, and now I'm contemplating on what I want to do. Should I text Chad a picture? Should I have the test sitting on a note, for him to see it when he gets home? This idea of a pregnancy reveal to my husband just became REALLY exciting. I couldn't tell him that he was going to be a dad over the phone. I made my decision to tell him in 2 days. It will be our 2nd year wedding anniversary. Can't get any better than that, right? I just have to cover my tracks so he doesn't find out my secret before then. I can't tell a single soul. In the midst of the excitement and the online browsing for baby stuff on Pinterest (yes, we all do it), I stopped and prayed, "God, all I ask is that you bless us with a healthy baby."

I already fell in love with our baby, just moments after finding out that there was another life growing inside me. I instantly wanted to be a better person, the best mom in the world.  I started to imagine our new life with this blessing.

Nov 11
These past 2 days were so hard not telling Chad my little secret.  It's our 2nd year anniversary and we have dinner plans for tonight after we both get off work. My manager approaches and asks "So, do you think you're pregnant?" I can't help but respond with a huge smile on my face, "I am!" Her face lights up and gives me a hug. I told her my plans for tonight, and she's just as ecstatic as I am. She's even making little inside jokes here and there throughout the day that my co-workers aren't understanding. To make things REALLY weird, I pick up my first guests for the day, and they're a young Vietnamese couple from Los Angeles. I find out her name is Kaylee and SHE'S 5 MONTHS PREGNANT. WHAT ARE THE ODDS????? We spent a third of my sales presentation just talking about her pregnancy and how excited they were that it was their first child. I was lighting up inside hearing them talk about it. I knew that this would be me and Chad just a few short months from now.

The day is finally finished, I need time to take a picture with my pregnancy test though. The test that I took eventually faded away the result, so I needed to take a new one. This was my first chance to do it. I went into the bathroom, and again, "Pregnant." I snap a photo with my phone:

I then drive down to Office Depot to print the photo, and tape it to the back of Chad's anniversary card that I was giving him. The lady behind the counter congratulations me and wishes me the best of luck for tonight.

I come home, and Chad is in his suit that he wore at our wedding. "Are we going somewhere fancy?" I asked. "No, I just wanted to wear it for you while you open your anniversary gift." There were 3 clothing boxes sitting on the coffee table. First, I opened my card. It held a letter that Chad wrote to me. It was the most heartfelt letter I've ever read. Romeo had nothing on this. Then, Chad opened each box to show me the clothes he had bought for me. I loved everything, but all I could think about was how I have been waiting for this moment for 2 days. It's been hard not telling everyone, or giving in to the excitement of just telling him. But this was going to be worth it. We enjoy our dinner, and when we got home, this was it. I give him his anniversary card. I even captured his reaction on video, but for now, I'll just share this with you:

He's just as nervous but excited as I am.

He kneels down and kisses my belly. This is a view I can't wait to get use to for the next 8 months. He then breaks the news to me that he's known since yesterday that I was pregnant. He saw the missing pregnancy test under the bathroom cabinet (dang, so much for covering my tracks.) "But it didn't really sink in for me until you confirmed it." he told me.

We jumped online to start planning our new life together with our baby. We started looking at midwives and who took our insurance plan. We watched a couple of birth story videos, and started to talk about how we wanted to announce our pregnancy to everyone. Christmas is around the corner, so what perfect timing than to send out the announcement as Christmas cards. But we weren't going to take another step further until I schedule a doctors appointment.

Nov 12
I woke up in cold sweats. This is morning sickness, right? Chad came over to my side of the bed and prayed for me. Today was his first day of being daddy. He kissed my belly before leaving for work. I laid in bed for another hour. Finally I was able to get myself awake. I didn't even care that I was running late for work. Baby was on the brain, and nothing else mattered. It's like I was in la la land.

At about 1:00 in the afternoon, a stabbing pain hit my gut, and I almost wanted to fall to the ground. I ran to the bathroom, and I start to bleed heavily. This can't be normal. I tell my sales manager, she can see the panic on my face, and she says get to the e.r. asap.

I start to drive home and it just feels like someone is stabbing me, over, and over. I keep calling Chad's cell phone but he's not picking up. I jump in the shower to clean up, and it just looks like a bloody massacre. There's fleshy chunks. I started crying out for help. "God what is happening?!!! Help me!!!"

Finally, Chad calls me back and he immediately leaves to come home. We drive to the emergency room, and after giving the nurse my information and getting my wristband, we go to sit down, and I can see a woman sitting with her significant other, they're both holding her stomach. She appears to be about 4-5 months pregnant. She's crying historically. And I start to panic inside.

For a split second, while we were sitting in the waiting room, I shut my eyes, and tried to wake up from this nightmare. This CAN'T be happening right now.

The doctor finally calls us in. During the next 6 emotionally and physically painful hours, we did bloodwork, an exam, 2 ultrasounds, and we got our results. The life that was inside me was now died.  And so did a piece of me.

Our drive home was painful and silent. Chad plugged his phone in to the stereo, and we both heard for the first time, a song that as soon as I heard the words, I broke down. I felt like the Lord was speaking those words directly to me. I will forever hold that song in my heart and will always remember this experience every time I hear it. It's called "Unchanging God" by Elevation Worship.

Words can't describe the feeling of waking up the morning after losing my baby the night before. Chad came over to my side of the bed again, and prayed for me. But the days following my miscarriage were nothing but hell. I bled for over a week. It almost seems like a blur to me now, but I went through so much physical, emotional, and spiritual pain that I just wanted to curl up and close my eyes until it all went away. I would start to uncontrollably cry at random times in the day. I then went through a stage of denial. As I was at home, I tried to watch movies to take my mind somewhere else. I then went through a stage of anger. It was a constant battle with myself. I was angry at GOD. We were never allowed to celebrate. It was ripped right out from under us before we even got to share with anyone.

The next couple of weeks went by and I found myself jealous when I walked by a pregnant woman in the store.  I felt angry when I read or heard women complaining about their pregnancy.  As weird as this sounds, I'd give anything to feel morning sickness, just so that I know that our baby is still alive in me.

But bitterness, jealousy, nor anger will not bring our baby back.

I have to see this as evidence of his grace in my life. I know he was listening to me when I asked for a healthy baby.  God was incredibly gracious in his timing. I can't imagine how much more devastating this would have been for us, had we been allowed to celebrate.  Had we told our friends and family, had we been able to decorate a nursery, and pick out names. The Lord rescued me from that kind of pain.


I have grown and healed a lot in this season of my life.  There's not a week that goes by that I don't think of our baby and what milestone we would be at. There are some days that are harder than others but I have so much to be thankful for in life and that is what pushes me forward. In this, I found peace, and every day gets a little better.

Knowing that I will someday be reuinited with our sweet angel one day brings tears to my eyes as I type this. To know that my baby is with Jesus brings me joy. In this, the Lord revealed his love for me.  I also have my incredible husband to thank for allowing me to grieve and for being so strong for the both of us while I was checked out. Through my stage of shock, my stage of fear, my stage of denial, my stage of confusion, and my stage of depression. I couldn't imagine having to go through this had he not been by my side the entire time. Now, together, we can experience this stage of joy, triumph, grace, peace, understanding and love, and for that, I am thankful.

My hope in this is that our story has touched you in some way. If you've experienced loss, know that you don't have to be alone in this. The best thing you can do for yourself is allow yourself to cry. Allow yourself to grieve in whatever way feels natural to you. And know that the Lord has written your story, from beginning, to end. Seek his closeness, and his comfort, and he will draw near to you.


  1. Hi Cailey. This came as a surprise to me. I had no idea you guys were even thinking family. I can empathize with your grief. I lost a baby between Mark and Teddy. Now that my husband, Ted, is in heaven, I often wonder if the baby was a girl, and if she was the first to run and greet her Dad as he entered heaven's gates. You have beautifully written your story. I know that in God's time he is going to give you children and that you will both be wonderful parents. Love, Grandma Brinkman (Naomi)

  2. Such a beautiful perspective Cailey. Thank you for sharing this, I know your testimony will bring hope to many.